4 days until the big birthday. I can't believe what a big deal it is for me! Part of it is because we won't be having any more babies, but, part of it is...hard to explain. I am so proud of Michael and the huge strides he has made, but I am not ready for him to become a toddler! Oh, I am encouraging him to walk, but I don't want those sweet only-from-a-baby snuggles, sounds, and smiles to fade away! I know, I'm being selfish, but I don't care! I will most definitely cry on his birthday, tears that are tinged with joy and sorrow.
That being said, I am making it my personal goal to have my little bug walking by 15 months. He is about ready to cruise, getting more sure-footed each day! If I can just keep Auggy from trying to push him down...the jealousy is so crazy! I mean, he adores Michael, always wants to take him with us, even if I try to plan a special outing for just the two of us, but...he also wants to hurt him...constantly! That phase has returned with the excitement over standing and his birthday coming up. Awesome. Back to having to constantly be after him about everything. I try to reason with him, which, I know is futile. He's three, I get it, but he's so damn smart, I forget and think...he'll get it, I know he will! But, he doesn't. Then, I get pissed off, then I feel guilty, then I feel double guilt because I am certain I am ruining his future by not knowing what to do now! And triple guilt for making it seem like I am standing up against him for Michael (which I am), furthering his sense of jealousy.
So, now we've got his party coming up. He shares his birthday with his big cousin who's turning 9. She desperately wants to have a joint party, so...here we go! It will be a fun day of swimming, games, laughter, followed by our first ever camping with Michael! I remember camping with Auggy when he was a little older than Michael. He slept great, while we got booted around the tent and hardly slept at all! I hope this time around will be different!
Dave said the funniest thing the other day. Michael was crying, having a hard time falling asleep due to the tooth that is forcing its way through his little gums! I was on my way to a book club meeting (child free adult time! Yahooooo! Get me outta here!), so I told him to let him go for 20 mins before picking him up. He said, "Really? Even though he has DS?" I thought that was hysterical? I mean why would DS have anything to do with forcing him to go to sleep without his mommy? I'm going back to school in the fall and Dave will have to take him to therapy once a week. I think it'll be good for him to see all the other babies and be more involved in his development!
Sometimes I get irritated by DS. I belong to the "magic babies" group, to 3 Facebook groups, plus he has his appointments we go to. I don't want his, and our lives to be centered around his disorder, but how do you do that while doing everything you can to keep him on par with typical kids? I mean, I don't want to think if Michael only as a kid with DS, but how do you do it? I see his sweet face, and I don't automatically think it, but, pretty close. It's not a judgement, it's just there. How do you stop it? Or do you? Maybe that just becomes the normal. I wonder what other people see when they look at him...the ones who know him and the ones who don't? We go shopping and everyone says, "what a cute baby!" and I say thank you, while in the back of my mind, I'm wondering, "can they tell?"
And I hate myself for even caring. It's not that I am embarrassed by it, it's more just not wanting strangers to be up in my business. I get the same feeling when some old person gives me advice about Auggy. I know they think they're helping, but in my mind I am seething and thinking, "yea, thanks, he's already got a mom!" Again, I'm being selfish, self-centered. Note to self: stop doing that.
So, what now? Just keep moving forward, keep loving, keep trying to be better. Find a balance between helping Michael and focusing too much on that little chromosome. Try to remember that Auggy needs encouragement, too. Try not to make Michael's birthday about me. Try not to care about how people see Michael, or anyone else in our family, for that matter. Just be us!
Stay tuned for birthday stories and photos!
No comments:
Post a Comment