A year in review

In 12 days, my Michael will be 1 year old! I cannot believe this is even possible! I decided to start this blog about a month ago, realizing how fast things were changing and that I would want a way to remember it all. It may also help when times get tough, to have a way to process everything... Or maybe times won't get tough...who knows?
So, rewind to 353 days ago and Michael burst onto the scene, sporting an extra chromosome that wasn't invited or previously known about. They told us while I was still in outer space, on morphine, so I don't think it really registered. I mean, I was in shock, and it got a lot more real when they wheeled him off to the NICU for tests and whatnot. But, I was still in total denial, I couldn't even SEE these so-called "markers" they were talking about-- he was just my perfect little bug!
My mother in law (MIL), recalls how we just took everything in stride, and seemed unphased, but I don't think that is really true. I was so numb and just, like, whaaaaaat? When they found the hole in his heart and wanted to keep him in the NICU, it started sinking in...our baby has...something. Down Syndrome. I didn't even know a single thing about it, except that I could recognize a person with it, and that they obviously had a delay. So, how to process this news, when there is no way to truly understand it?
Well, Michael's Dr. in the NICU gave me the best advice anyone could have given. Don't read anything, don't google anything, just get to know your baby. You will know if something is wrong, don't scare yourself with all the "what-ifs" and info out there. So, that's what I did!
Now, going home was crazy. Auggy, who was only 2 at the time, was insanely jealous. Literally tried to kill Michael at times. Other symptoms were sleeping horribly, crying a lot,just acting crazy. All the while, in the back of my mind is: my baby has a hole in his heart, and it is my responsibility to know when he is in distress, but, how will I know, what if I don't know in time? And also, my baby has DS.
But, we just go on, don't we? What else are you going to do? Auggy loved his baby brother and slowly got less crazy, I got used to not sleeping, got to know Michael and his adorable ways, life moved on. Then, we met his cardiologist. Well, first we met a different one, who told us he had a 50/50 chance of needing surgery. Then, we met the man who will be his cardiologist for the next, oh
18 years! He took one look at Michael's heart and said, "He needs surgery yesterday!"
Oh. My. God. That day, Oct.17, 2012, was the hardest day of my life so far. They took my baby away, and I had to trust total strangers that they would give him back to me, alive! And they did, in record time, even! Oh, my Michael was amazing! He was a total rock star! When I finally got to nurse him again, I cried and held him so close!

So, what has happened in the 9 months since surgery? He is in Early Intervention, getting physical therapy and special Ed, we belong to a "magic babies" group of all DS babies. He is meeting his milestones: crawled at 10 months, and just started pulling to stand. He is so stinking funny! He loves playing with Auggy, loves to laugh, loves other babies, loves being outside, loves reggae music, loves sweet potatoes.
What lays ahead? Ah, who knows and that is what I am really afraid of. To me, he is perfect. He is an adorable, sweet, precious little boy. Will I always see him that way? How will I feel if something goes wrong? How much of a delay will he have? Will it bother me, or will I roll with it? How will it be for Auggy when he finally realizes his brother is "different?" I'm basically scared of sucking as a mom.  What if it turns out I'm not as strong as I thought I was and I fold under the stress of having a special needs child? Or, what if I ruin Auggy's childhood being overprotective of Michael? What if Auggy resents Michael?
But, in the meantime, I have each precious day with my two amazing boys. Auggy, so rough and tumble. So capable in all the ways that Michael may never be. He is strong, coordinated, so smart, so charismatic. Then, there's Michael, so sweet, loving, funny, ADORABLE, precious. I wouldn't trade it...well...I can't imagine life any other way than the way it is. So, i guess that is perfect.